That somehow this black night feels warmer for the spark

I've just returned from Rolf's church. Rhianwyn Spencer is with him as I believe he has the knowledge to be able to help her. She hadn't contacted anyone in a few days so Svetlana, Thomas and I went round to check on her. She was curled up on her bed, and while we first believed that meant that Rebecca Spencer was sending her horrible visions again, Rebecca Spencer was asleep. She couldn't have been doing it. Her brother mentioned that she had a bit of a shock after her date with Sergei and Thomas and Svetlana and I believe that she may have assumed that it what she saw was an illusion. This might have led to the belief that she was still under attack, even though she is not.

Rolf says he will do everything he can, but I thought I should let you know. I'll go check on her tomorrow morning.

As you no doubt read, Lavinia Littleton was here earlier. She surprised us by visiting while she was here in town buying lawn furniture. She said her old stuff was rusting through and she didn't want to end up on the ground. Anyway, she wanted to meet my wife and see baby Thomas again. Problem is, older Thomas was here. And she's his son...who is dead. I'm so glad he saw her coming. That could have been horrible. Not that it isn't anyway. I can't find Thomas anywhere.

Has he come to see any of you?

My mother is upstairs!

Goddammit!

Tasha's safe now.

October 14th, 2006

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately, as I am sure I should be. Fear controls us in such incredible ways and not always for the best. Recently I had myself convinced that the best thing to do for the people I loved was to seperate myself from them. It stemmed from my fear for them, which is not unfounded, just misplaced. It was not me that made them targets or endangered them. It is just how it is and I can do far more good with them than without them.

My fear of being alone led me to do things as well. Terrible things. Things I still shudder to think about, and I can't quite believe that it was me that did them. It was if I was watching and not acting. It all came from fear and lonliness.

But fear is not always bad. Fear can lead to good things. I feared my terrible experiences would happen again, and I sought to deal with such problems. I, with the help of my dear friend David, went to a place I've been avoiding for over a decade. I made my peace with someone that has defined my life in so many ways, and most of them are not pleasent ways. I went to Thomas's grave and I saw it with my own eyes. I went back to Downside Abbey and I was able to say that Thomas's death, though they made me accept responsibility so many years ago, was not my fault. I faced Grahame, and I saw Stuart again. I faced my fear and only Grahame came out of it a coward.

A wise man once said that all we have to fear is fear itself. I don't believe this to be true. There is much to fear in this world and I myself have seen more of it than I would like to have seen. It's smart to fear. What we have to be afraid of is letting that fear control us. Letting it separate us from what is important and what is good. That which makes us strong.

I am not going to let it control me anymore.