That somehow this black night feels warmer for the spark

You really wanna start thinking of Tasha leading me round on a lead, Peter :P

It was supposed to be a joke, but I can't help but feel sickened. She doesn't understand because she wasn't in the bunker and she didn't see what Svetlana did to David. What she made me do to him.

And now I'm just afraid one of them will see that and react.

October 14th, 2006

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately, as I am sure I should be. Fear controls us in such incredible ways and not always for the best. Recently I had myself convinced that the best thing to do for the people I loved was to seperate myself from them. It stemmed from my fear for them, which is not unfounded, just misplaced. It was not me that made them targets or endangered them. It is just how it is and I can do far more good with them than without them.

My fear of being alone led me to do things as well. Terrible things. Things I still shudder to think about, and I can't quite believe that it was me that did them. It was if I was watching and not acting. It all came from fear and lonliness.

But fear is not always bad. Fear can lead to good things. I feared my terrible experiences would happen again, and I sought to deal with such problems. I, with the help of my dear friend David, went to a place I've been avoiding for over a decade. I made my peace with someone that has defined my life in so many ways, and most of them are not pleasent ways. I went to Thomas's grave and I saw it with my own eyes. I went back to Downside Abbey and I was able to say that Thomas's death, though they made me accept responsibility so many years ago, was not my fault. I faced Grahame, and I saw Stuart again. I faced my fear and only Grahame came out of it a coward.

A wise man once said that all we have to fear is fear itself. I don't believe this to be true. There is much to fear in this world and I myself have seen more of it than I would like to have seen. It's smart to fear. What we have to be afraid of is letting that fear control us. Letting it separate us from what is important and what is good. That which makes us strong.

I am not going to let it control me anymore.

September 26th, 2006

I'm still unable to write much with my hand, even though the cast is off. And I have many things on my mind, so I will return to this again.

There was an article in the paper yesterday about a woman who wrapped electrical tape around herself and jumped from a 12 story building. And she survived. I know there's no possible way she's human, and now the media is on to it, reporting this 'amazing miracle' as well as deciding the apocalypse is nigh. While I know that most people will look at the story and give it all the weight they give everything extraordinary reported in the media, it still scares me. What happens for the few people who do look at this young woman and think, 'there might be something to this?'. Will their world be shattered like mine was? Will they be terrified to learn that we're more alone than we thought we were, and yet not so alone at all? Or will they take it to mean that god does exsist? Will it be a false epiphany with false promises and false hope? Whatever way it goes, it's wrong. Things like this shouldn't be public knowledge. No one should see it and those that do should keep it silent.

( Fear )