That somehow this black night feels warmer for the spark

Can't sleep. Too much to do. I packed and I squared everything away with the hospital and I made arrangements and I think I made myself crazy in the process but I still feel like there's things I should be doing and sleep isn't one of them.

Goddammit I can't wait to be on vacation. I think the last time I had a one of those was when Lydia turned eight and we went to York for three days and gorged ourselves on those little donuts. She made me play tea party and we had the most fantastic time. It was just us and we explored the little laneways and shops and I spoiled her positively rotten (shhh don't tell the church because I took a vow of poverty har har) and then I had to go back to Melk and I pouted for probably the next 3 years.

That was a nice story.

Still can't sleep.

My mother is upstairs!

Goddammit!

You really wanna start thinking of Tasha leading me round on a lead, Peter :P

It was supposed to be a joke, but I can't help but feel sickened. She doesn't understand because she wasn't in the bunker and she didn't see what Svetlana did to David. What she made me do to him.

And now I'm just afraid one of them will see that and react.

October 19th, 2006

I have so many thoughts about everything that's happened recently, and it's hard to know what to write. One of the people I love most in this world has been dreadfully wronged. She allowed herself to be raped to save her humanity. To save her friends. I'd like to think if I were in her position I would have been so brave, but I don't know. She made an incredible sacrifice and I still haven't once heard her say she wished she hadn't done it. Of course she wishes it hadn't happened. So does everyone. But that she doesn't wish she'd stopped him and lost her control over the demon inside, that shows incredible strength.

I think everyone could learn a lot from Deirdre Gallagher. She has a lot to give. And I'm proud to know that she's not going to stop giving.

I suppose one of the reasons I'm being over protective of Deirdre is because I have someone else's memories inside my head. I have Lauren's memories even though she was only with me for a few short minutes, and she was victimised. I know how it feels even though it's never happened to me. Which is an altogether terrifying feeling and I'm going to ignore it until it goes away.

I can't think about this anymore. I think this is a good way to do it. Get as much of it out as will come out at a time so I can be strong for all of them.

Everyone's doing the best they can.

David, I feel as though my heart has just been shredded. Deirdre came over here after speaking with you. She told everyone what happened. Remember that plan we had on the backburner where we were going to go beat the man until he talked? I think I'd like to do that. With or without the talking. What made him think he could touch her!? Of course he's been arrested now. I took Deirdre to the doctor and then to the police station so she could report it. Even through everything I'm more proud of her than I could ever say.

I wanted to thank you for speaking with her. You said and did all the right things, David. She wouldn't have come to see us if you hadn't gone to speak with her first. She told me she made you see it. I'm so sorry you had to see that. Are you all right? You can talk to me if you need to.

Deirdre asked me to stay at Victoria Lane for a few days, so if you need me, that's where I'll be, at least in the evenings and at night. I have to go home today to get some things. I'm babbling because I am so angry I want to break things.

I really hope you're all right.