father_peter: (Griefstricken)
October 19th, 2006

I have so many thoughts about everything that's happened recently, and it's hard to know what to write. One of the people I love most in this world has been dreadfully wronged. She allowed herself to be raped to save her humanity. To save her friends. I'd like to think if I were in her position I would have been so brave, but I don't know. She made an incredible sacrifice and I still haven't once heard her say she wished she hadn't done it. Of course she wishes it hadn't happened. So does everyone. But that she doesn't wish she'd stopped him and lost her control over the demon inside, that shows incredible strength.

I think everyone could learn a lot from Deirdre Gallagher. She has a lot to give. And I'm proud to know that she's not going to stop giving.

I suppose one of the reasons I'm being over protective of Deirdre is because I have someone else's memories inside my head. I have Lauren's memories even though she was only with me for a few short minutes, and she was victimised. I know how it feels even though it's never happened to me. Which is an altogether terrifying feeling and I'm going to ignore it until it goes away.

I can't think about this anymore. I think this is a good way to do it. Get as much of it out as will come out at a time so I can be strong for all of them.

Everyone's doing the best they can.
father_peter: (Griefstricken)
October 19th, 2006

I have so many thoughts about everything that's happened recently, and it's hard to know what to write. One of the people I love most in this world has been dreadfully wronged. She allowed herself to be raped to save her humanity. To save her friends. I'd like to think if I were in her position I would have been so brave, but I don't know. She made an incredible sacrifice and I still haven't once heard her say she wished she hadn't done it. Of course she wishes it hadn't happened. So does everyone. But that she doesn't wish she'd stopped him and lost her control over the demon inside, that shows incredible strength.

I think everyone could learn a lot from Deirdre Gallagher. She has a lot to give. And I'm proud to know that she's not going to stop giving.

I suppose one of the reasons I'm being over protective of Deirdre is because I have someone else's memories inside my head. I have Lauren's memories even though she was only with me for a few short minutes, and she was victimised. I know how it feels even though it's never happened to me. Which is an altogether terrifying feeling and I'm going to ignore it until it goes away.

I can't think about this anymore. I think this is a good way to do it. Get as much of it out as will come out at a time so I can be strong for all of them.

Everyone's doing the best they can.
father_peter: (MMmmm Black and White)
October 14th, 2006

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately, as I am sure I should be. Fear controls us in such incredible ways and not always for the best. Recently I had myself convinced that the best thing to do for the people I loved was to seperate myself from them. It stemmed from my fear for them, which is not unfounded, just misplaced. It was not me that made them targets or endangered them. It is just how it is and I can do far more good with them than without them.

My fear of being alone led me to do things as well. Terrible things. Things I still shudder to think about, and I can't quite believe that it was me that did them. It was if I was watching and not acting. It all came from fear and lonliness.

But fear is not always bad. Fear can lead to good things. I feared my terrible experiences would happen again, and I sought to deal with such problems. I, with the help of my dear friend David, went to a place I've been avoiding for over a decade. I made my peace with someone that has defined my life in so many ways, and most of them are not pleasent ways. I went to Thomas's grave and I saw it with my own eyes. I went back to Downside Abbey and I was able to say that Thomas's death, though they made me accept responsibility so many years ago, was not my fault. I faced Grahame, and I saw Stuart again. I faced my fear and only Grahame came out of it a coward.

A wise man once said that all we have to fear is fear itself. I don't believe this to be true. There is much to fear in this world and I myself have seen more of it than I would like to have seen. It's smart to fear. What we have to be afraid of is letting that fear control us. Letting it separate us from what is important and what is good. That which makes us strong.

I am not going to let it control me anymore.
father_peter: (MMmmm Black and White)
October 14th, 2006

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately, as I am sure I should be. Fear controls us in such incredible ways and not always for the best. Recently I had myself convinced that the best thing to do for the people I loved was to seperate myself from them. It stemmed from my fear for them, which is not unfounded, just misplaced. It was not me that made them targets or endangered them. It is just how it is and I can do far more good with them than without them.

My fear of being alone led me to do things as well. Terrible things. Things I still shudder to think about, and I can't quite believe that it was me that did them. It was if I was watching and not acting. It all came from fear and lonliness.

But fear is not always bad. Fear can lead to good things. I feared my terrible experiences would happen again, and I sought to deal with such problems. I, with the help of my dear friend David, went to a place I've been avoiding for over a decade. I made my peace with someone that has defined my life in so many ways, and most of them are not pleasent ways. I went to Thomas's grave and I saw it with my own eyes. I went back to Downside Abbey and I was able to say that Thomas's death, though they made me accept responsibility so many years ago, was not my fault. I faced Grahame, and I saw Stuart again. I faced my fear and only Grahame came out of it a coward.

A wise man once said that all we have to fear is fear itself. I don't believe this to be true. There is much to fear in this world and I myself have seen more of it than I would like to have seen. It's smart to fear. What we have to be afraid of is letting that fear control us. Letting it separate us from what is important and what is good. That which makes us strong.

I am not going to let it control me anymore.

PRIVATE

Sep. 26th, 2006 01:13 pm
father_peter: (Looking Down)
September 26th, 2006

I'm still unable to write much with my hand, even though the cast is off. And I have many things on my mind, so I will return to this again.

There was an article in the paper yesterday about a woman who wrapped electrical tape around herself and jumped from a 12 story building. And she survived. I know there's no possible way she's human, and now the media is on to it, reporting this 'amazing miracle' as well as deciding the apocalypse is nigh. While I know that most people will look at the story and give it all the weight they give everything extraordinary reported in the media, it still scares me. What happens for the few people who do look at this young woman and think, 'there might be something to this?'. Will their world be shattered like mine was? Will they be terrified to learn that we're more alone than we thought we were, and yet not so alone at all? Or will they take it to mean that god does exsist? Will it be a false epiphany with false promises and false hope? Whatever way it goes, it's wrong. Things like this shouldn't be public knowledge. No one should see it and those that do should keep it silent.

Fear )

PRIVATE

Sep. 26th, 2006 01:13 pm
father_peter: (Looking Down)
September 26th, 2006

I'm still unable to write much with my hand, even though the cast is off. And I have many things on my mind, so I will return to this again.

There was an article in the paper yesterday about a woman who wrapped electrical tape around herself and jumped from a 12 story building. And she survived. I know there's no possible way she's human, and now the media is on to it, reporting this 'amazing miracle' as well as deciding the apocalypse is nigh. While I know that most people will look at the story and give it all the weight they give everything extraordinary reported in the media, it still scares me. What happens for the few people who do look at this young woman and think, 'there might be something to this?'. Will their world be shattered like mine was? Will they be terrified to learn that we're more alone than we thought we were, and yet not so alone at all? Or will they take it to mean that god does exsist? Will it be a false epiphany with false promises and false hope? Whatever way it goes, it's wrong. Things like this shouldn't be public knowledge. No one should see it and those that do should keep it silent.

Fear )

PRIVATE

Sep. 12th, 2006 10:20 am
father_peter: (Bernard!Peter)
September 12, 2006

Stupid broken bones. I can't do anything. Not even help Deirdre with her father. If he hurts her again- well I can't do anything because I am in a wheelchair. But I'll imagine doing several things to him. Probably at once. And I'll smile!

Why do people hurt their children? I don't even like it when Lydia or Anna skin their knees on the playground. The idea of hurting them myself is beyond unimaginable, not to mention terrible. The things Deirdre's father said to her were horrifying as well. How could he tell his own daughter he never wanted her? Doesn't he understand how damaging that is? I only hope that Deirdre's friends and I can show him how wrong he is to say and do these things. She says I don't have to and that it's not my job, but being her father figure is an honour. Besides, she needs someone.

Someone who would like to not currently be in a wheelchair.

Dammit.

PRIVATE

Sep. 12th, 2006 10:20 am
father_peter: (Bernard!Peter)
September 12, 2006

Stupid broken bones. I can't do anything. Not even help Deirdre with her father. If he hurts her again- well I can't do anything because I am in a wheelchair. But I'll imagine doing several things to him. Probably at once. And I'll smile!

Why do people hurt their children? I don't even like it when Lydia or Anna skin their knees on the playground. The idea of hurting them myself is beyond unimaginable, not to mention terrible. The things Deirdre's father said to her were horrifying as well. How could he tell his own daughter he never wanted her? Doesn't he understand how damaging that is? I only hope that Deirdre's friends and I can show him how wrong he is to say and do these things. She says I don't have to and that it's not my job, but being her father figure is an honour. Besides, she needs someone.

Someone who would like to not currently be in a wheelchair.

Dammit.

PRIVATE

Sep. 11th, 2006 11:29 am
father_peter: (Hurty)
September 11th, 2006

Using this for as a replacement for my diaries feels very strange. With the incredible response I got yesterday, I feel as if everyone will be able to read what I write. And then I remember that I've let most of them read my innermost thoughts anyway so they could understand more about the world they live in. Still, writing about the truth of things on a place that's so accessible feels so utterly wrong. Notice I'm doing it anyway. That's me. Always the rebel.

Rambling on Dreams )

PRIVATE

Sep. 11th, 2006 11:29 am
father_peter: (Hurty)
September 11th, 2006

Using this for as a replacement for my diaries feels very strange. With the incredible response I got yesterday, I feel as if everyone will be able to read what I write. And then I remember that I've let most of them read my innermost thoughts anyway so they could understand more about the world they live in. Still, writing about the truth of things on a place that's so accessible feels so utterly wrong. Notice I'm doing it anyway. That's me. Always the rebel.

Rambling on Dreams )

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